I’ve been in a constant state of gratitude lately. How timely, it seems, that Thanksgiving is upon us. It is amazing to me how faith, hope and belief in a power greater than myself has given me a chance at a life I wasn’t aware of. I am happy and content. I am not lonely. I don’t need a person, or a thing to define my worth. I feel like I have emerged from the dark cave of my past into the bright sunshine-y pasture of the present. Some people chose to stay back, in the comfort of the dark, and I left them there. I’m not going to stop improving for anyone, or any reason. As long as I continue to have faith, choose to do the next right thing, and stay honest, there is nothing that is unattainable for me. I firmly believe that today.
There was a time when I didn’t. I was certain I was doomed to a life of blending in. Of not making a difference. Of just getting by. I am so grateful that there is more!
I have my family. All of them. I have my friends, some old and many new. I have a job that really isn’t that bad. I’m on days and work with some pretty good people. I made it through my legal issues and am now completely on the other side of it. I’m driving.I get to be home for Christmas. I’m singing in Canticum again. I cannot begin to tell you how great it is to be singing again. I am vocally out of shape, but each day gets better. I have people in my life who genuinely care about me and my well being. I genuinely care about others. I’m making myself vulnerable (a little bit a time, it’s a process) and investing in others lives. I’m grateful to have the opportunity to participate in the lives of those I love. I got to go to the Nosal’s for Thanksgiving dinner last night, and I never once felt awkward or out of place. They are family. I went to my folks’ house afterwards and was just, overwhelmed with gratitude. I realized that not so long ago, I wouldn’t have accepted that opportunity. Things are so different now. I get to leave work today for a bit to have Thanksgiving dinner at my parents’ house. My incident managers don’t have to let me do that, but they’re letting me. So so many things to be grateful for. There are dark spots. I’m broke, but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. It is temporary broke-ness. Feelings of loss. Slight fear of the uncertainty of the future. The difference is today I don’t have to sit in those dark spots. The dark spots are miniscule in comparison to the vast bright spots in my life. Too cheesy? Oh well, that’s really the only way I can describe it. My life is full of goodness right now. I have a tendency to wait for the other shoe to drop, but I’m not doing that. I’m just living in the moment. Being where my hands are. Doing the next right thing, whatever that may be. It’s a good life.
I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving. xoxo
I’ve had to learn lately that I’m not always going to know the answers that I want to know. The question “why” is one that I ask often. About work, football, science, history, in addition to my choices, life in general, I like to know the why’s of things. The downfall of liking to know the why’s is that sometimes, we don’t get to know. Some things are just way they are, and I have to learn to be ok with that.
That’s a tough pill to swallow, and I hear people say, well there’s relief in not knowing. I can mentally comprehend the words strung together, but I’m still waiting for that. If I just spent 2 hours at work, investigating and resolving an issue, but we don’t know why it happened in the first place, I want to be a part of the knowing process. But that’s not my job. That’s just an example. What if’s are dangerous too, because they can lead me down a dark, unproductive path that just instigates a downward spiral.
I try, well I have been trying lately, to keep a positive outlook, all things considered. Someone at work called it my sunny disposition, and I kinda like that. Because it would be very easy to just let myself wallow, or throw a pity party, or go over in my head the bad things I’ve done and the good things I haven’t accomplished in my life that I thought I would’ve had figured out by now. Instead, I’m trying to focus on now, today, and what I’m doing to be productive and positive in that moment. I am not perfect. I let the dishes sit too long in the sink and I let my laundry pile up in the dining room. (I don’t sit down at my table to eat, if you were wondering) I nap when I should go for a walk, I stay up when I should go to bed, I say yes when I should say no, and vice versa.
One of the biggest problems I have is assuming I know what other people are thinking about. Whether I believe I know how they will perceive me, or believe that they have no desire to hear what I have to say, I think I miss out on a lot because I assume I know how people see me and what they think. Of course I don’t know that! And how arrogant of me to even entertain that I might. It’s fear, pure and simple. Fear of rejection, fear of criticism, the fear that someone may confirm what I am thinking. It is insecurity, it is lack of confidence, and it is definitely a self-preservation move. I’m confident and secure in a lot of things, but when it comes to opening up, and being vulnerable, I fall back to putting up walls. It’s all I’ve done. But I’m never going to get close to anyone if I don’t let them try. I shut people down before they even get a chance to make the effort. I’m afraid that they’ll make the effort and find out it was wasted, and I’m afraid of handling that kind of reaction. Fear is just not a way to live, and I’m learning slowly how to handle it. To break down the walls one brick at a time and slowly start to see more sunlight in my life.
Every day is something new, and I get to choose how I take things, and only I am the one who can let something ruin my day, or not. There’s hope in that choice, and hope is a beautiful thing.
I’m talking with my bro on Facebook, at least 2 or 3x a week.
I’m on days at work.
We’re getting new management at work.
Travis and Andrea are getting married a week from today!!
My ex hasn’t contacted me since I filed for the RO after our crazy breakup.
I should be able to drive soon.
My house is clean!
I have money. (wha?!)
on the other hand…
I have a few legal obstacles I have to work through before I can move forward, and a lot of those things are still up in the air at this point.
I have to deal with emotions and feelings that I would have otherwise covered up in my life, and it can be really, really hard.
Moving on, I’m going to rant for a moment about Listener.
I found them while reading a different blog (people still use these things? weird I know) and I have to admit, initially I was skeptical. I didn’t know if I liked what I was hearing, but I knew I didn’t hate it, so I continued to listen. I think I listened to Wooden Heart over and over for an hour or so, trying to decide if this was something I was going to get behind or just appreciate. It turns out, I absolutely cannot get enough. Dan Smith writes poetry, and recites it, but he doesn’t just read it. Its kind of like slam poetry, only way better. He’s passionate, and his writing is captivating and special. The imagery he creates, for me anyway, is incredible. I have no outlet to really talk about it with anyone because its hard to explain unless you listen and appreciate it. Its also tough because the tracks I like aren’t always for the meaning, just the way he writes, and I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea.
Falling in Love with Glaciers is one of my favorites but its talking about a girl who needs to let go of love, and I’m not that girl anymore. I just love the way its written. Don’t want to alarm anyone, which means I need to explain myself, which I think is silly. But whatevs.
FALLING IN LOVE WITH GLACIERS (morla tortoise shell mountain)
I met a shell of a mountain who knew she was finished claimed she grew up from a grain of sand with every year wider she bloomed a little bit longer to the roof of the sky with outstretched hands – (I love the picture this paints)
she made friends with the sun, shared enemies with no one
counted weeks like she should of counted days
and swallowed handfuls of night so she could sleep tight
and turn her thoughts from its stone cold ways
and this was the beginning, the start of the ending
you can’t die from a broken heart but from the time the sun rose to the space where it fell away she would love, and it wouldn’t take part and every every day she would echo echo in every single way she should let go let go (I love this too!)
but it had her in its sights cupids icy arrows, well so
so what
so she caught every one with her heart like it was her duty
it walked the wrong wrong way down her one way plan
she was surrounded by forests, rivers and beauty
until that glacier froze over the land
and so she blamed herself hated her wealth
she was born at too young of an age
and every night her dreams were touched by witches fingers
until her heart was caged.
with every morning spent not caring if she cares or not
sleeping in the melt and mud, waiting for the earth to rot
burying herself alive she scrapes the hole that it left open
empty as her very heart, that mountain was all broken
all broken, that mountain was all broken
now I can see that her bloods red and she’s got feelings and they always get spilled both without thinking
(the title to my blog comes from this)
WOODEN HEART (sea of mist called skaidan) We’re all born to broken people on their most honest day of living and since that first breath… We’ll need grace that we’ve never given
I’ve been haunted by standard red devils and white ghosts
and it’s not only when these eyes are closed
these lies are ropes that I tie down in my stomach,
but they hold this ship together tossed like leaves in this weather
and my dreams are sails that I point towards my true north,
stretched thin over my rib bones, and pray that it gets better
but it won’t won’t, at least I don’t believe it will…
so I’ve built a wooden heart inside this iron ship,
to sail these blood red seas and find your coasts.
don’t let these waves wash away your hopes
this war-ship is sinking, and I still believe in anchors
pulling fist fulls of rotten wood from my heart, I still believe in saviors but I know that we are all made out of shipwrecks, every single board washed and bound like crooked teeth on these rocky shores so come on and let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach
come on and sew us together, tattered rags stained forever
we only have what we remember
I am the barely living son of a woman and man who barely made it
but we’re making it taped together on borrowed crutches and new starts
we all have the same holes in our hearts… everything falls apart at the exact same time that it all comes together perfectly for the next step
but my fear is this prison… that I keep locked below the main deck
I keep a key under my pillow, it’s quiet and it’s hidden
and my hopes are weapons that I’m still learning how to use right
but they’re heavy and I’m awkward…always running out of fight (the wordplay is SO GREAT)
so I’ve carved a wooden heart, put it in this sinking ship
hoping it would help me float for just a few more weeks
because I am made out of shipwrecks, every twisted beam
lost and found like you and me scattered out on the sea
so come on let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach
come on and sew us together, just some tattered rags stained forever
we only have what we remember
My throat it still tastes like house fire and salt water
I wear this tide like loose skin, rock me to sea if we hold on tight we’ll hold each other together and not just be some fools rushing to die in our sleep all these machines will rust I promise, but we’ll still be electric shocking each other back to life
Your hand in mine, my fingers in your veins connected
our bones grown together inside
our hands entwined, your fingers in my veins braided
our spines grown stronger in time
because are church is made out of shipwrecks
from every hull these rocks have claimed but we pick ourselves up, and try and grow better through the change so come on yall and let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach
come on and sew us together, were just tattered rags stained forever we only have what we remember
I don’t have a lot going on right now, or much to talk about, but I know that I wanted a fresh start on this blog. Things have changed, and its hard to go back and see how unhappy I was. Right now, I’m tired and going to sleep. This weekend is KC with Mom n Jen, and I’m working Sunday night, then have Monday through Wed off and start working days Thursday! I’ll be working every Saturday, but hey, at least its days right? Hope you are well
