Gourmet chef, minus the chef part

I secretly want to to be a fabulous cook. I want to make all sorts of delicious meals. I want to try things and mess up and try again and find new ways of eating things I enjoy in a way that doesn’t make me feel bad every time I sit down for a meal. I want to use family recipes or see recipes online and say, I’m gonna go home and make that. And then do it.

There’s just one teensy tiny little hang-up.

I absolutely loathe touching raw meat.

I know!

I’m ridiculous.

I don’t know when it started or why it bothers me so much. Sometimes when I think too much about what I’m actually doing, I freak myself out and have to quit. But I think I’m an ok cook, when I can get past that. Usually by opening the package with a long knife, removing the plastic with aforementioned knife, flipping said package directly into the pot or pan I’m cooking it in, and immediately cleaning the knife and my hands. Prepping chicken to cook is interesting. If I can manage, I keep the plastic between my fingers and the chicken. Most of the time that doesn’t work, so I hold it in place with a fork or another knife. But, that doesn’t keep it in place very well. I’ve thought about gloves, but what kind? And how can I guarantee that my meat won’t taste like them? I can’t be hopeless. I’ve gotten through a lot, so I’d guess that I should be able to figure out how to get past this hurdle to prepare my own food. I make all sorts of things that don’t have meat, or just require ground beef, because that is very simple to cook without touching it. Unless I want to make burgers. Sigh.

I see all these yummy recipes and I KNOW cooking at home is better for me, and cheaper. I’ll figure it out, I hope. What a silly thing, right?

A lost art

Below is a portion of an article posted on a national news website:

“The code theft from the security giant will not likely affect the average computer user or compromise his computer, an analyst told  — but the breech is certainly to leave the Fortune 500 company red faced.

 Ghosh called the security breech a real business risk more than anything else, one that may lead to a loss of confidence in Symantec and potential loss of market share for the publicly traded firm.

 The compromised code — between four and five years old — does not affect does not affect Symantec’s consumer-oriented Norton products as had been previously speculated, Symantec said.“

Did you notice the errors? No? Here, let me help.

Breech: (as defined by Merriam Webster)

1:  plural  a) Short pants covering the hips and thighs and fitting snugly at the lower edges at or just below the knee b) Pants

2:  a) At the hind end of the body : buttocks  b) Breech presentation; also : a fetus that is presented breech first

3:  the part of a firearm at the rear of the barrel

Breach:

1:  Infraction or violation of a law, obligation, tie, or standard

2:  a) a broken, ruptured, or torn condition or area   b) a gap (as in a wall) made by battering

3:  a) a break in accustomed friendly relations   b) a temporary gap in continuity : hiatus

4: a leap especially of a whale out of water

(Did you notice the repeated phrase in the last paragraph?)

I’ve lost faith in spelling and grammar. Is proofreading dead? Are people in such a hurry to get news out that proper writing abilities are overlooked for the person with the quickest fingers? If that much is true, then we have no hope for this kind of journalism. If speed is always the most desired quality, then the integrity of the writer and the company or entity he or she writes for is compromised. Since technically breech is spelled correctly, the egregious misuse of the word goes undetected by the auto check that comes with nearly every word processing program available. Maybe people aren’t taught to reread their papers anymore, or to keep a dictionary and a thesaurus around when writing a paper. (I realize I’m probably making myself sound much older than my 26 years, but seriously.) When people use words like irregardless and make mistakes with to, too and two; there, they’re and their; you’re and your; then and than; accept and except, effect and affect, which and witch (I’m not joking, I’ve seen that) lay and lie (the list goes on and on) and as I witnessed today, breech and breach…my nerd heart breaks a little. Is the ability to use correct grammar and spelling a lost art?

Run

I want to run. Not run away, just, go running. You know, like Forrest Gump did. I miss running. I used to go often, back in the day. So, I know everyone makes a gazillion resolutions for the new year and quits them more often than completes them, but I’m making a goal. Not a resolution. I will be a runner again. Sometime this year. That gives me 12 months to change my diet and get healthy, one day at a time. Slim down, tone up, lace up and run. I can be patient as long as I know I’m working towards something. I’d like to run a 5k…by my 28th birthday. That gives me well over a year, which I’ll probably need because let’s face it, I’m not in the best shape of my life. Not in my worst either, but I’m just saying. Thanks to my generous parents who gave me a gym membership for Christmas, and people to keep me motivated, I’m already on the right track.

I hope everyone has a Happy (and safe!) New Year!!

All smiles

My life is full of smiles today.

There are times when I get tired and crabby, or complain more than I should, or grimace taking the stairs after a killer lower-body work out. But the predominate emotion in my life is happiness, and I am amazed at that. Just recently (a little less than 6 months ago) my life took a drastic turn, and while there was (and is) fear and doubt, things are clearing up, and I am taking a different look at life, and what I see has a pleasant spin on it. I’m trying to write more, and sometimes I’m not very insightful, so forgive the randomness. It happens. Anyway, I’ve been grinning all morning, and I’m sure its for a multitude of reasons. I’m just glad my life is so different today. If I were to describe it in colors, my life was very bleak before, varying shades of gray, and that might sound totally cliche but its true. If it were a color palate that’s what you’d get. Gray and black. Maybe dark brown. Heavy, oppressive colors. Not that I don’t love to integrate them into my wardrobe, because that’s not the implication I’m making. But in terms of emotions, those colors are not exactly on the happy-go-lucky end of the spectrum.

Today, however, I feel bright and buoyant. Joyous. My color palate is completely different now. Bright pink. Buttery yellow. Psych green. I’m not kidding. I think that’s why I love that Coldplay song and video so much. It’s full of vibrant colors and the song is upbeat and it makes me happy. I have good relationships with my family and I have genuine friends who care about my well being. I enjoy my job, for the most part. (We all have our days, right?) I absolutely love working out and feel better about myself when I do it. I’m growing, evolving, changing. It’s pretty awesome.

Now I know life happens. I know things aren’t always sunshine and daises. And I’m ok with that. Because I’m learning how to handle things. I’m not perfect. I don’t have it all figured out and I’m glad I don’t. I guess what this boils down to is: I’m happy today, and I’m glad to be happy.

Dancing huh?

I wanna dance.

I know. I know. That sounds completely ridiculous.

So dance, you say.

Now now, its not that easy. For one, I’m extremely self-aware. Meaning, I know that I have no place in a dance club. Ever. My inability to groove shines through when I’m sitting still. It grows exponentially when surrounded by people who actually have talent in dancing.

I’m not talking about ballroom dancing. Or choreographed dancing. Because I can do that, kind of. I’m teachable.

I’m talking about from the heart, deep down, feel the music dancing. Look, I have rhythm. I’m a musician. I can ‘feel the beat’ if you will. But that cool, smooth, suave badass dancing? My body just doesn’t move that way. I want it to. I wish it did! I flail around like an idiot in the car or at home when I hear good music. (I use flail in a very literal sense.) Sometimes I shrug my shoulders up and down with a ridiculous look on my face. But most of the time I think, wtf do I do with my hands? Do I snap? Clap? Flick at the wrists? Throw ‘em in the air like I just don’t care?

The fact is, I really, really can’t dance. But I like to.  Sometimes I hear songs that have a good beat and I can’t help but move around. But that’s all it is. I would hardly consider it dancing. That implies a level of smoothness that I just can’t attain. But flailing, shrugging and moving around seem to work ok for me, for now. It garners a few laughs anyway, and really, who cares?

Try not to dance to this. I’m just saying.

Brick by brick

To write more means to become more vulnerable. Lately it seems I’ve been doing a lot of things that leave me susceptible to hurt and rejection. But unless I do that, I am depriving myself of joy, and excitement, and laughter and happiness too. I spent a lot of my time building up defenses against the bleakness of life without realizing those defenses were suddenly getting so strong, that the happiness of life was being blocked too. In turn, by attempting to protect myself all I did was inevitably make things worse. It was a cycle I could not see until I was literally broken free of it. I remember reading a book as a kid at my grandparent’s house in Illinois, about a person who built up walls, brick by brick, until there was space for just one more brick. Just when it all seemed hopeless, someone walking by handed the person behind the wall a flower through the hole that was left. I wish I knew the book, I wish I could find the image. Words don’t capture the feeling the same way.

Anyway, I think as we grow, we start to build that wall, brick by brick, without even realizing it. As we get older, and lose the childhood innocence we don’t know we have until it is gone, the world starts to seep in, and slowly we throw up a defense. Against pain. Lies. Fear. Doubt. Betrayal. Jealousy. Rejection. Grief. As we start to experience and acknowledge what those feelings are, we put up defenses against them. The problem, as I see it, is as those bricks go up, we start to suffocate our emotional growth and spiritual vulnerability. I imagine God as that person from my picture, handing the flower through the teeny space left. Because sometimes that’s all that’s there. Sometimes, there’s less room, or no room, and the whole wall has to be knocked aside, figuratively or literally. How can we grow if we refuse to move from where we are? How can we have hope to grow if we squeeze faith out of our lives entirely?

Imagine a pond in the middle of the summer on a hot still day…water stagnant, with bugs skimming the surface. The heat hangs above the water in a haze, everything is still. Humid. Unmoving. I don’t want my life to be that way. I want my life to be like white-water rafting. Beautiful, slightly unpredictable, both exciting and tranquil, an adventure, one worth telling. And there’s no way I’ll live a life that way if I refuse to move.

Faith, hope, trust, those things lead to an adventurous life. Because where are we without faith? And what is faith? Belief and trust that something out there is bigger than us. Sure, of course, life is not always sunshine and daises. Things happen. It is how we handle those things…how we conduct ourselves in the midst of the sludge and come out on the other side that help us grow, and be an example for someone else who may have to go through the same thing. I am not a model of perfection. I have been on the merry-go-round of life moving way too fast. That white-knuckle experience lasted long enough for me to relish in the simplicity of my life today. I’ve broken down walls, brick by brick, and I have a short list of things that occupy my time. As that starts to grow I want to be sure that the list grows with things I can be proud of. I’m grateful today, that I get a second chance. It’s pleasing to think that some of my best days are ahead of me. There’s that hope thing again.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas!

I tend to lean towards one word titles…

Do you have things that just always put you in a good mood? I do. I have several. Ready?

Good music. This song makes me happy every time!! I can listen to it on repeat. Good coffee. (best when consumed first thing in the morning) Psych. Helping someone else. Being outside. Getting lost in a good book.Snuggling with my kitties.

We all have funks right? I mean, I know I get them. A LOT. But as I said in an earlier post that I published and had to delete for any number of reasons…I get to choose how long I stay in a funk. Any of those things I listed above usually can break down that gunky mess and allow the sunshine of the day to burst through. I’m not perfect, and I will never claim to be. I just know what I’ve learned, and that is, life is just too short to sit around and feel sorry for myself. By helping others I help myself. And I try to remember to start every morning with a thank you and a your will not mine to the big guy. Because my way didn’t work for a long time. And I never know what the day will bring if I let it go. I’ve found they’re better when I try not to control everything. Strange isn’t it? I’d always heard that saying, if you let go you’ll get more, or however it goes, but man I just pushed against that for years. It didn’t make sense to me. How how how?! I had my fingers so tightly wrapped around every particular aspect of my being, that I choked the life out of everything I cared about. I didn’t give myself the opportunity to listen when my God said, hey…you might be happier if you do this.

I quit living and simply existed.

Thankfully I’m 26, and I have my whole life ahead of me. Thankfully, I’ve got people around me who helped me figure it out. There’s still time, to do anything I want if I just keep focused on doing the next right thing. I’m so grateful that I am living today. I’m waking up, and realizing there are so many things I want to do!

Everything it its own time.

Quotes

I was searching quotes today, and these are a few I’ve found that made me go, hmm.

Just because something is unbelievable does not mean you shouldn’t believe it.  Put another way, some things are worth believing in whether they’re true or not.  ~Jeb Dickerson

A preoccupation with the future not only prevents us from seeing the present as it is but often prompts us to rearrange the past.  ~Eric Hoffer

I have my own particular sorrows, loves, delights; and you have yours.  But sorrow, gladness, yearning, hope, love, belong to all of us, in all times and in all places.  Music is the only means whereby we feel these emotions in their universality.  ~H.A. Overstreet

Music cleanses the understanding; inspires it, and lifts it into a realm which it would not reach if it were left to itself.  ~Henry Ward Beecher

Music is the wine which inspires one to new generative processes, and I am Bacchus who presses out this glorious wine for mankind and makes them spiritually drunken.  ~Ludwig van Beethoven

He who hears music, feels his solitude peopled at once.  ~Robert Browning

Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.  ~Victor Hugo

Music is an outburst of the soul.  ~Frederick Delius

Music is the literature of the heart; it commences where speech ends.  ~Alphonse de Lamartine

Music that gentlier on the spirit lies,
Than tired eyelids upon tired eyes.
~Alfred Lord Tennyson

Are we not formed, as notes of music are,
For one another, though dissimilar?
~Percy Bysshe Shelley

Music, once admitted to the soul, becomes a sort of spirit, and never dies.  ~Edward George Bulwer-Lytton

Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive.  And then go and do that.  Because what the world needs are people who have come alive.  ~Attributed to Howard Thurman

Our passions are the true phoenixes; when the old one is burnt out, a new one rises from its ashes.  ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself one.  ~James A. Froude

There are joys which long to be ours.  God sends ten thousands truths, which come about us like birds seeking inlet; but we are shut up to them, and so they bring us nothing, but sit and sing awhile upon the roof, and then fly away.  ~Henry Ward Beecher

Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor.  ~Dr. Alexis Carrel

It’s Christmas time!

I absolutely love this time of year.

I love the red Starbucks cups. I love the lights around the neighborhood. I love hearing stories from people about past Christmas experiences. I love seeing my parents house all decked out in Santas and the enormous tree. I got to help decorate this year. That was fun. I love the music. I love that for the most part, people try to get out of themselves and help others. Donating time or money or gifts to those less fortunate. I love spending time with family and friends with coffee and a fire in the fireplace. I love finding the perfect gift for someone. I love the smell of the first snow. I love the sound of the scissors cutting wrapping paper, and making the ribbon curly. I love all the Christmas movies. I love the traditions. I love peppermint mochas. I love watching the snowflakes swirl around outside my window. I love finding the perfect snowman to add to my collection. I love cute scarves, winter hats and knee length pea coats. I love Christmas episodes of Psych. Now don’t get me wrong, I do tend to get a little lonely, and I understand cases of the bah humbugs. I get them just like everyone else. But for the most part, I’m happy.

I love that I believe.

I love that I’m able to recognize all the things that I love.

Merry Christmas!

Gratitude

I’ve been in a constant state of gratitude lately. How timely, it seems, that Thanksgiving is upon us. It is amazing to me how faith, hope and belief in a power greater than myself has given me a chance at a life I wasn’t aware of. I am happy and content. I am not lonely. I don’t need a person, or a thing to define my worth. I feel like I have emerged from the dark cave of my past into the bright sunshine-y pasture of the present. Some people chose to stay back, in the comfort of the dark, and I left them there. I’m not going to stop improving for anyone, or any reason. As long as I continue to have faith, choose to do the next right thing, and stay honest, there is nothing that is unattainable for me. I firmly believe that today.

There was a time when I didn’t. I was certain I was doomed to a life of blending in. Of not making a difference. Of just getting by. I am so grateful that there is more!

I have my family. All of them. I have my friends, some old and many new. I have a job that really isn’t that bad. I’m on days and work with some pretty good people. I made it through my legal issues and am now completely on the other side of it. I’m driving.I get to be home for Christmas. I’m singing in Canticum again. I cannot begin to tell you how great it is to be singing again. I am vocally out of shape, but each day gets better. I have people in my life who genuinely care about me and my well being. I genuinely care about others. I’m making myself vulnerable (a little bit a time, it’s a process) and investing in others lives. I’m grateful to have the opportunity to participate in the lives of those I love. I got to go to the Nosal’s for Thanksgiving dinner last night, and I never once felt awkward or out of place. They are family. I went to my folks’ house afterwards and was just, overwhelmed with gratitude. I realized that not so long ago, I wouldn’t have accepted that opportunity. Things are so different now. I get to leave work today for a bit to have Thanksgiving dinner at my parents’ house. My incident managers don’t have to let me do that, but they’re letting me. So so many things to be grateful for. There are dark spots. I’m broke, but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. It is temporary broke-ness. Feelings of loss. Slight fear of the uncertainty of the future. The difference is today I don’t have to sit in those dark spots. The dark spots are miniscule in comparison to the vast bright spots in my life. Too cheesy? Oh well, that’s really the only way I can describe it. My life is full of goodness right now. I have a tendency to wait for the other shoe to drop, but I’m not doing that. I’m just living in the moment. Being where my hands are. Doing the next right thing, whatever that may be. It’s a good life.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving. xoxo